To my mother…

I love you but I’m not too sure if you love me back or if you want anything to do with me. All the memories that we used to have together, it’s like those memories don’t matter anymore. Maybe I’m upset because I feel that these memories no longer exist and that you no longer want anything to do with me.

I’m sorry for disappointing you through my drinking but just know that I’ve tried on many occasions to not drink. I drink for a lot of reasons and I don’t think you understand why — I drink because I’m scared — I’m scared to confront a lot of things. I’m scared of the truth and what people will perceive me as if they find out who I really am. And who am I? I don’t even know who I am. My childhood was robbed from my father and I don’t think you realize the amount of harm he did to all of us. But he did harm and these effects will forever be there.

“I wish you would just love me back.” These words constantly replay in the back of my mind. I wish you could just love me but I know that this will never happen.

Somewhere over the years, we fell a part. I’m not sure if I’m the problem but I’ve always felt this way. I’ve always felt that I have caused a lot of problems in our family because I’m difficult and present as a challenge sometimes. I’m sorry for being defiant and I’m sorry for not getting things. It’s not that I’m purposely not getting it; I actually don’t get it. People would explain stuff to me repeatedly and I would nod my head and pretend that I get it when I don’t. I’ve gone through 27 years of my life and nobody clues in. Nobody knows the amount of struggle it takes to just do it. Nobody knows how hard it is to be me. I don’t know how I do it.

I thought you loved me. I thought you wanted me to be happy. Guess what? I’m not happy right now. I don’t think I will ever be happy. I remember that day I showed up at your door step. This was six years ago and I had flowers in my hands. Yes, it was late at night but doesn’t the thought matter? Do you remember what you asked me?

“What are you doing here? It’s late at night. This isn’t my house. This is my husbands.”

I remember trying to hold back the tears that night just for you. I didn’t know what to say. I do remember having a bad day and wanting to make you happy to make myself happy so I decided to surprise you with flowers. I’m scared that if I do this again that you’ll ask me why I holding flowers in my hands and why I came over.

I came over because I love you mother but I don’t think you love me and this hurts. I have been broken and empty for years and I don’t think you realize how all of this is playing out in my personal and WORK life. I am literally attaching myself to my colleagues and fantasizing what it’s actually like to have a family when I know that this is NOT normal. I’ve always dreamt of a mother and a father, someone to go to whenever I needed support. I’ve always dreamt that you would be there if I needed someone to talk to or someone to go if I just needed a hug. But you weren’t there and all of these years, I’ve missed you. It’s like those memories do not matter anymore and you’re new husband matters more than your kids.

I always believe that no matter how old someone is, they always need their parents. Unforunately, I never grew up with a father and you had to play that role while we grew up. However, you played that role well and I appreciate everything you’ve done. I don’t know what I’m saying or even if I’m making sense. I just know I want to talk to you and I want to do better. I don’t want to drink and I don’t want people to hate me. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone and I want to desperately get it but I know I will never get it.

I’m sorry for everything. I’m especially sorry for being an alcoholic. I know I can do better.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store