I’m Sorry

Should I apologize for being socially awkward? I used to be bullied as a child for my limited eye contact and my inability to talk to people. I would also get bullied for my extreme shyness and I was awkwardly attached to my mother. Whenever she dropped me off at school, I didn’t want to leave her. Kids saw that and they made fun of me for that. My teachers saw this as concerning; I suppose this would be concerning. Imagine talking to a guidance counsellor about this. I would also get bullied for biting my clothes and nails. I was a nervous wreck as a child. I grew out of these habits in high school and I was more so the rebellious but still awkward type of teenager.

Should I apologize for stuttering and having a lisp as a child? I went through years of speech therapy and people don’t know this. People in real life think they know me but they don’t. I was bullied from the age of 7 years old and people don’t really know. I thought I survived my childhood and teenage years — but every day, it’s getting harder. I’m not sure what to do. Again, should I apologize for being anxious and for being unable to get my words out from time to time? As an adult now, I’m able to speak and communicate effectively and you can thank the years of speech therapy I had to go through. But people still made fun of me growing up because of this.

Should I apologize for not understanding things fully? This applies to past situations where I may have said things and offended others. I really don’t mean any harm but apparently people think I mean harm. I tell this to my colleagues all the time that I just want people to be happy.

Should I apologize for being unable to make certain changes? I’m sorry for being stuck in a continuous time loop of my sadness if that makes any sense. I’m sorry for not being able to get out of bed on some days. But the good thing today is that I got up, brushed my teeth, had my ADHD meds, and I’m alive so that’s progress there.

Should I apologize for being angry all the time? I think over the years, especially after 2016, my anger has actually got the best of me to a point where I’m unable to control myself at times. The last time I got angry, it was over the phone and my bus pass wasn’t working. I usually have my bus pass auto-renewed every month and for some reason last week my pass was not working. I called all week and the customer service people stated that it was some technical glitchy issue on their part and that they would fix the issue right away. However, 2 days passed and the issue was not fixed so I had to speak with one of their supervisors and then like magic the issue got fixed. I had mentioned to this supervisor person over and over and over how angry and frustrated I was. I had to take many breaks on the phone.

Should I apologize for my past mistakes and hurting others when I was unmedicated? Absolutely! I hold myself accountable but nobody in this world deserves to be doxxed, harassed and stalked online. Unforunately I was that victim. I use Twitter here as my main support and people tell me all the time that I need to take a break from social media and get actual help. But in a society where the word “help” does not exist in my mind — I’ve been betrayed by so many professionals and authority figures that I can’t even begin to go back there. It’s too much and triggering.

Should I apologize for being sexually assaulted by an old landlord? I thought he actually cared. Over time, I thought he was like a good friend and I’m being serious with you guys but I looked up to him as a father figure. I never had a father in my life.

Should I apologize for officially cutting off contact with my father? My biological father was extremely abusive towards my mother, sister and myself whenever he drank. He knew exactly what he was doing. He told my sister and I once that he never wanted kids. Great father. Whenever anyone asks about my father, I change the topic. He’s nothing to me, just utter garbage. He not only ruined myself but everyone in my family and he’s the reason why we’re all strained from each other.

Should I apologize for having a learning disability? My online abuser that ‘claims’ to know me (they don’t actually know me) tweeted out the following, “you know you shouldn’t make up having a learning disability because there’s actual people that have learning disabilities.” Excuse me? I’m that someone with a literal learning disability. I just find that so offensive! I struggled during my childhood without a diagnosis and only got diagnosed for ADHD over a year ago. People that think they know me in real life really do not know me — I’ve come a long way with a lot of obstacles and challenges in the way but I still made it and I’m still going.

Should I apologize for being violated by the police last summer of 2021? This is a huge reason why I don’t really reach out for help. Every time there’s a police interaction at my workplace, I try to have my colleagues interact with the police as I deal with the clients in crisis. I don’t like the police and it’s because they possess far too much power and control. Not all police are terrible people but some should not be police officers. Some officers do not understand mental health, mental illness, substance use, and trauma. I’ve witnessed a client get tazered by a police officer right in front of my eyes — This client now gets agitated and triggered whenever he sees an officer in uniform. The police are the cause for the majority of issues in society especially with mental health. I don’t and will never trust them. Even when I’m in crisis and in need of support like right now, I’m sorry but I will not reach out to them and I will lie and say I’m not a risk when I am. I rather suffer alone. I’ve been doing this for years.

Do I need to apologize for being misunderstood? I try to explain myself but I don’t think people are really receptive and want to actually listen or maybe I’m not making any sense. I feel that I never make sense and people only pretend to listen.

I’m sorry for a lot of things — I’m sorry for not getting things when I know I should. According to my abuser, I should get things and that I don’t have an actual learning disability but they had bullied someone with a disability for 1.5 years. How is this okay? Nobody that I reached out to did anything and my abuser gets away with their shitty behavior. The damage is done and they’re celebrating.

I’m sorry for being such a loser and for not understanding anything. I don’t know what more to say. I know that I stopped caring for myself a long time ago because nobody cares so what’s the point? Not even my own mother cares.

Again, I don’t know what more to say and I’m just sorry.

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