I don’t know…

I’m not too sure what is quite expected of me — I’m tired of assumptions and judgments, this world is not really for me and I’m not too sure what to say or even do. I want to escape where nobody can find me and start over, I kinda have already done that. People do not know the amount of struggle and pain I have to go through daily. I’m not trying to make this about me but the struggle is real — I say this a lot to you guys because it’s so true. Each day is a fighting battle and sometimes I don’t really know how I do it nor do I want to do it because people don’t appreciate my efforts and the fact that I’m trying. However, ‘trying’ is not good enough in this world — To ‘try harder,’ is not good enough either. People expect and expect and expect and if you’re not perfect, you’re screwed. I was never meant for this world at all. My Mom always told me to TRY but in a world that expects us to be perfect, how is trying even possible?

I actually wanted to start off with this — The other day I went for a walk and I came across something odd. So I used to have a psychotherapist and I’m not even sure if he exists. I’ll be honest but I think I was being played. Everything was just so suspect and I will never reach out for help as a result of this. I need to talk about this! So I went on a walk and passed by this psychotherapist’s office and he used to have his sketchy therapist sign out front on his window — It’s not there anymore and all I see is a cardboard in the window. His name was ‘Christopher Saxton.’ If you guys can help me out with this… Because I’m not too sure. I never paid this supposed professional at all. I never supplied my address due to my trust issues. All I disclosed was my diagnosis's and that was it. I attended about six sessions or whatever, never paid him at all and he has never chased me for payment. I did, however, block his contact number. An old colleague lives near one of this therapist person’s office and she also see’s a therapist in that area. I’m thinking that maybe that old colleague paid this therapist off for me. But who would actually do that? This sounds crazy I know! Anyways, I don’t think this Chris guy is too professional. He THINKS he knows me, he does not. He’s blocked everywhere. I can disappear and he will never find me. He isn’t even a professional.

I don’t like people in real life that assume they know how we’re doing when they really don’t know how we’re doing. Yes, I’m not doing okay and after everything that happened at me with my colleague I attached myself too and my poor boundaries — Like I feel like she’s watching me all the time and feels as if she’s ‘walking on egg shells’ with me or maybe I’m just being paranoid. I have no idea! This work shift I felt terrible vibes working with her. She sat in the other room and I’m not too sure why. All she mentioned was, “I need to stretch my legs” and she sat in the other room. All I responded was “that’s fine. You do you. It’s overnight.” You see, I pretend that everything is okay and that I have everything together but I’m so STRONGLY attached and this is an indicator that I’m unwell and need HELP but how do I get help when H-E-L-P in my mind DOES NOT exist!? I’ve been betrayed by so many professionals. I’ve been lied too and manipulated by a lot of people, and I refuse to go back down that path again. I just can’t… The trust is not there. I thought I trusted my colleague but then she went to human resources about my poor boundaries and now I have to pretend I have everything together when I really don’t. I just go into work and do my job and I do my job well but it doesn’t mean I’m mentally OKAY if that makes sense. Last night at work was something else — There was so much I wanted to say but I could not say because we’re in a professional environment and I’m paranoid she could write another email about maybe over sharing? Should I apologize for having terrible mental health or? Whatever happens I just know, my next plan is to disappear for good out of this damn city! I don’t fit in here and I know that there’s better places out there. There’s also better opportunities. I love my job and all but the attachment I have to this colleague is so unhealthy that it’s making me controlling, paranoid and sick if that makes sense. I’m pretty sure she’s one of my second favorite persons and I really do look up to her as a mother which is sketchy as hell!

It’s just that — I’ve never had a mother. This topic is so sensitive to me and I get so weak. Every time I see families on TV or in public, I get emotional; I can feel the tears coming. My mother was there but then she wasn’t there. She was more so absent and she wasn’t home as much as I wanted her to be. I think I expect a lot from her and I’m replacing what I need from my mother and trying to look for that in others (preferably older females). You see, my colleague is a mother of two small kids and I know she means well. I remember when she first joined us on the overnights, I was crying and I forget why I was crying — But in a conversation, she mentioned “I love you” in front of my other colleague and I still remember these words. I can’t even remember the last time my own mother muttered those words or even hugged me. I’m missing my actual mother so much and I have no idea how to express this to her and I’m about to cry as I write this. I’ll be honest but I do drink sometimes to numb all of this out — I don’t want these memories anymore — I don’t want what was once a memory and now it’s NOTHING. My Mom used to mean the world to me. She played the role of mom and dad and tried her best but she was also not there as much as my sister and I grew up. She was miserable living with my father and so was I. My father wasn’t the greatest person to live with — Physically, emotionally and sexually abusive.

These days, I’m empty — There’s something missing and I know I do not mean anything to my mother so what’s the point? I just want to mean something to my colleague but she’s my ‘colleague’ and there’s boundaries and I’m not about to mess up my job. I’m not that stupid! I know when to stay quiet and pretend I’m good but I’m not actually good. I’m tired of pretending but literally everyone does it!

I’m tired of it all though. I’m tired of attaching myself to these older females. I just want to be normal for once but I know I will never be normal… This is my life — Someone with messed up abandonment and attachment issues and I will never recover from this.

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