I reached out to treatment today because I want to do better and I don’t want to stop drinking for good but I would like support. I know that people say I need to focus on my addictions before anything and I think that’s what I’m going to do. All I need right now are coping mechanisms. At the moment whenever I’m depressed, upset or angry, I drink and I drink heavily to a point where I dissociate and I get heavily suicidal. It’s been 48 hours since I last drank and I picked up the bottle right now. It’s 2:50pm. However, the good thing is that I filled out an intake form for a residential addiction program. It just sucks that I’ll be on this wait list for 4–6 months before I can even be considered for their program. What if I’m not alive then? I’m not suicidal right now but I’m just saying… The system is not good.
I actually went to an addiction treatment center two years ago but I didn’t meet the eligibility criteria of being sober/abstinent from alcohol for 72 hours (3 days). I had the option of going straight to detox but I did not go. Instead, I went straight home in tears and I cried for weeks and months and I drank just like all those other days. But what’s different now at 27 years old? I’m actually making progress in my career and I have this great job with these great colleagues who want the best for me. Only one colleague that I attached myself too due to my abandonment and attachment issues — She knows everything but she won’t tell anyone, I trust her. However, she’s the one that encouraged me and gave me “the talk” like any mother would do and she went on about her own family history of alcoholism and how the majority of her family members passed away from liver failure. I don’t want to die; I just want the pain to end but I’m not too sure how to end the pain. I’m struggling so much to even go for a walk. These days, I just feel numb and I’m not too sure who to reach out too or how to reach out. I feel nothing and this feeling is a lot but that conversation that my colleague had with me on Thursday morning meant the world to me. I’ve been reflecting a lot on her words. She also said, “go to treatment or you want to be dead.” She’s so real and honest and it’s something to think about — I have to let go of my fears and just do it but I don’t know how to do it. I need people to be firm with me. I need people to just say it as it is — Don’t sugar coat stuff, just say it!
If I had went to detox two years ago, I’m sure my life would be a lot different. Maybe I would be in a relationship right now? Maybe I would have more money? Maybe I would have more friends? I know people have left my life because of my drinking. However, they weren’t real friends. Real friends stick with you through your ups and downs and they won’t leave; they’ll be concerned if anything and try to get you the help you need.
When I was going through the intake form, they had asked me if I had any support. I wanted to mention my psychiatrist but she’s dismissive and my doctor does not care about me. I feel that my doctor hates and wants nothing to do with me and this is a dreadful feeling to have. I did have a psychotherapist but things with that are just awkward and sketchy. I think he just wanted sex because I never paid him at all for my therapy sessions and I had about 6 sessions. My paranoia keeps going back too an old colleague who may have known him and may have paid for my therapy and that’s why he never asked me for payments. However that sounds crazy and I don’t think that’s the case… But anyways, I disowned that therapist and blocked him on my anonymous Twitter. I mean, I can find a better therapist and someone that I relate too and hopefully someone that’s cheaper because I’m seriously broke and unable to afford anything.
I hope that with this addiction treatment program, they’ll see that I’m eager to get help. Why do I say this? I hope they see my name from two years ago and maybe I’ll by pass the lengthy wait list? I really hope so because I don’t want to wait — I want help now and I’m pretty desperate but the system is just so broken.